Floridians need vacation homes in Greenland. just sitting there

Florida simply isn’t big enough. As part of a growing empire, we need bigger space.

People, especially Canadians, keep coming here, filling the aisles of Publix, ostentatiously ordering Molson beer at the bar, and boasting that they won’t have to worry about going broke with medical bills.

Canada owes us a great deal, so it makes sense that they would cede territory to us. We call it “North Florida” (not “North Florida,” which is weird, as everyone knows).

Why not? Canada just sits there politely and does nothing.

Politeness is a security risk.

Also, Canadians have oil and it should clearly be ours.

As Dear Leader argued in a perfectly rational press conference the other day, if the 51st Legislature doesn’t behave well, we will frostbite them with “economic power” and destroy their lives. We intend to transform so-called “regions” into nations. Good Christian counties in Florida have terrible hospitals and empty libraries.

“Governor” Trudeau (what a loser) says he has “no chance of snowballing” to get Canada.

Well, in MAGAmerica, hell is full of snowmen. We call it the big and beautiful tariff.

If the tariffs don’t work, there’s always the 101st Airborne.

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to invade Greenland.

Perhaps we would give Denmark, a small loser nation that claims Greenland as an autonomous part of the kingdom, a little money for its location.

This would be great for Florida as well.

Floridians dreamed of owning a home in North Carolina to escape the Sunshine State’s eight-month summers, but when the U.S. put its mitts on the big old ice cubes in the North Atlantic, Floridians You will be able to get a place to live in Nuuk.

cheap!

Additionally, as the blonde woman from “The Five” (obviously a prominent historian) reminded us, in 1867 President Harry Truman asked the Danes, who were known only for their pastries, for a pastry. provided billions of dollars.

They should have taken the deal.

Now Danes (many of them large dogs) are rude and mean, and Dear Leader rather dislikes that rudeness and meanness.

The so-called “King of Denmark” changed his coat of arms, which previously featured a small polar bear. This is a symbol of Greenland with many lions and a crown.

Now the polar bears are getting really big, and it’s like the king is saying, “Greenland is not for sale.”

Au contrare, mein amigo: Everything is for sale.

Just ask Elon Musk: He bought the US presidency for just $250 million.

Don Jr. took a “day trip” to Greenland on January 7th, but as you know, being a snow-loving tourist, he simply called his father from a restaurant and put him on speakerphone.

Anyone sitting there innocently enjoying a seal meat suasato might have heard Don Sr. yell, They’re not the ships you want to know about. ”

Anyway, Greenland. This place should appreciate that we want to give them the benefits of our civilization.

“Real Housewives.”

Affordable homeowners insurance.

High fructose corn syrup.

gun.

Moreover, Greenland is fully indebted to Florida for the flood damage it continues to inflict on us.

As the never-satire Florida columnist Frank Serabino points out, Greenland “wasted no time in releasing huge chunks of ice floes, knowing full well that they would eventually launch a liquid invasion of Florida’s low-lying coastline.” We continue to send them into the Atlantic Ocean.”

It’s an act of war, he says.

Countries have been carpet bombed at low cost.

If Greenlanders continue to say no, Dear Leader warns that they may resort to military force.

He hates the word “no”.

It is perfectly clear that this God-favored country needs both Canada and Greenland for its “economic security” and “national security” and to make America great again, or at least bigger. is obvious.

Deep thinker and Manifest Destiny’s Jesse Watters said on Fox: We want to quench the thirst of the imperialists. ”

If the British, the Spanish, the French, the Chinese, the Portuguese, the Dutch, the Belgians, the Mughals, and all the others colonize, so do we.

In addition to Canada and Greenland, the Panama Canal is also on the list.

So, what would happen if there was an “agreement”? We are imperialist America. Treaties mean nothing.

Ask the Indians. They thought they had a treaty too.

Jimmy Carter gave up the canal, so what happened to him?

Sure he won the Nobel Peace Prize, but he never made any money.

loser.

In the meantime, there will be a slight rebranding.

The “Gulf of Mexico” is now the Gulf of America. Make Mexico pay for the new map.

How does “Trump International Canal” sound?

beautiful.

Diane Roberts is an 8th generation Floridian who was born and raised in Tallahassee, which is perhaps why she has an unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. This column first appeared in the Florida Phoenix and is reprinted with permission.